I was excited when I RSVP’d. It would be a lovely way to end the tour, I thought, maybe even comforting— a balm for the months of nightly performances, all the new faces. I secretly love weddings despite the bitter hopelessness loudly knocking on the door to my temperamental heart. I get to dress up, there’s tons of wine, the social atmosphere is easy because everybody at least wants to be in a good mood, and, aided by said wine, I’ll be goddamned if witnessing the weight and depth of commitment and certainty of love doesn’t make me cry a little bit, every time. Either because it’s the stuff of Lisa Frank unicorns and Pixar fairy tales, or because (despite and in-spite-of), I believe it for myself, for everybody. Maybe I’m a sucker. The plan was to connect in Dallas from Arizona and land at LaGuardia (that would be the worst part), pick up a rental car at the airport and have a chill drive to Hudson, New York, land of millennial weddings and trendy second homes, about two hours away. But, as too many people had already hinted, the plan was far too ambitious—I’d started feeling sick two cities ago, and I was generally broken down, unraveling in airports. Whatever. I’d started taking mood stabilizers before my tour and was invigorated by the promise of such an extraordinary idea, a stable mood. I’m always excited when I RSVP. Another problem with the plan is that it was 2017, which meant that for the past two years, anytime I drove alone at night, anytime I saw blue lights in the rearview, anytime I drove alone on a highway at the mercy of unfamiliar landscapes, and actually, every three days in between—brushing my teeth, or taking my meds, or seeing a bumper sticker about my life mattering, or seeing a commercial about mental health mattering, or […]
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