Lilly Dancyger on How to Support a Friend Through Grief

How to support a friend through grief: 1. Suffer a tremendous loss early in your life. Perhaps the death of a parent at such a young, pivotal age that grief becomes a central part of who you are. Your homeland. Become comfortable in grief, learn its coastlines and caves intimately, so that when someone you love arrives on its shore, stunned and choking, you can greet them and show them around. Like when you and Carly met in college, when she was new to New York, and instead of the usual bars near school you brought her to Red Hook to see your old friends play music, and you stayed long after the bar pulled down the gates and started letting everyone smoke inside. Sharing your secret spots. 2. Let this friend support you through a second major loss of your own. When Sabina died the summer before your senior year, Carly came and sat with you on the fire escape. Her presence was steady and calm. You felt a little better with her there, even though nothing she could have said or done could have made it actually better. But she knew that. That’s why it worked. 3. Remain close, even after she moves back to Texas a few years after college. Go there to visit, stay with her and her boyfriend, who also went to school with you. Take a nap on their couch with their dog, even though you usually keep your distance from dogs. Let her show you around. Eat breakfast tacos and go vintage shopping and take photo booth pictures together that will hang on your fridge forever—a black-and white strip of the two of you: deadpan, goofy, glam, sweet. 4. When her boyfriend becomes her fiancé, prepare to be a bridesmaid. Write your wedding speech, including the story of how she was nervous to approach the boyfriend-turned-fiancé in college, so you invited him to have coffee with the two of you and then pretended to remember somewhere important you had to be. Talk on the phone about color schemes and disco playlists and […]

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