Writing a Memoir Won’t Solve All of Your Problems

Why we should be mindful of how much we self-reference. Deagreez via Getty Images Sean Kernan Years ago, when people learned I was a financial analyst, they nodded and feigned interest, saying, “Oh, well isn’t that interesting. ” Then they’d move on to my much more fascinating spouse, who is an archaeologist, and full of endlessly interesting stories. Now, after becoming a writer, their reactions have changed completely. Just last night, I was at an event, watching one of Laura’s presentations on cultural heritage, which was then followed by a dinner. The man next to me, who was two decades my senior, learned I was a writer and lit up with excitement, which is always flattering. Then the usual questions followed, “How do you stay disciplined enough to write?” Then, “How do you come up with ideas?” And, finally, the phrase I’ve heard so many times now, “You know, I’ve been thinking about writing a memoir!” It’s great that people daydream about this endeavor and telling their story. But there’s an underside to memoirs that reflects our need to excessively discuss ourselves, and it comes with a social and psychological cost. The dopamine problem In a study led by Harvard psychologist, Dr. Diana Tamir, researchers found that 30–40% of our speech is about ourselves, and when we do talk about ourselves, it engages the reward centers of our brains. On social media, the frequency of self-referencing goes up to 80%, with people finding ways to announce every minor achievement, and even shoehorn posts about themselves into political commentaries. Specifically, scientists call this “self-disclosure”, where we voluntarily share things about ourselves without invite — which is well and good to some extent. We should share and be vulnerable rather than stand silently, nodding our head. Interestingly, we are the only primates to self-disclose, and it begins when we are nine-months old. Theories vary as to why we do this, but some postulate that it’s a means of getting people to align with our world view, feel connected, and build a sense of community. The challenge is that talking about ourselves […]

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